Shoes are one of those things that do not just disappear for a lazy person. You got your kickers on. You’re sitting on the couch. You get sleepy. Your feet ache. So, you kick em off and they land on the floor.

Sometimes they get swept under the coffee table, or the couch, or the bed, or thrown in the closet behind some other shoes, or under your desk because you were typing on Facebook all night long.

No, this is some next level stuff going on.

I remember wearing them the other night. I was tired. I took them off and then like !!POOF!!—no shoes the next morning. I had to go get my other shoes (which were in my trunk after the last hiking trip).

It almost made me late to work! I have torn this house upside down. I have looked in the dryer, the refrigerator, the oven, the pantry, the garage, and my car. All the closets. THE BATHTUB! At this point I am considering it the greatest mystery of the 21st century.

I’m calling Unsolved Mysteries. We’re bringing Robert Stack back from the dead. I’m seriously considering that I was abducted by aliens the other night, and I must have been having a REALLY good time walking around the spaceship in my bare feet.

I sure as hell wasn’t out walking around the neighborhood in this cold. I guess I drank too much of that inter-galactic vodka.

In the parlance of the Dude, this is a bummer man. This will not stand! I can’t afford to go buy another pair of hiking shoes! I’ve got to go hiking!